I've had a terrible life as a human being. Along with the lists of most worthless people, I have a spot carved out for me between Mike Brown of FEMA and NBA player Brian Scalabrini.
If one were to write a book about athletic failures of the fullest degree, it would actually just be a chronicle of my life. Lets go down the list...
Seven years old -- Manage to give up the only home run ever hit in T-ball history when manning the mound for the Hansen Logging mites.
Get a custom-made Chicago Cubs hat with my name on the side. For the next 16 years I never get the thing dirty.
Eight years old -- Move to coach-pitch little league, my batting average immediately plummets below the winning percentage of the Washington Generals.
I quickly become a San Francisco Giants fans because they employ strangely skinny guys with funny moustaches, a physique I hope to someday repeat. However once I reach manhood I realize that those skinny guys with funny moustaches have grown their head to the size of rhino and they shaved the facial hair.
10 years old -- Pitching machine league. Guess who mans the pitching machine?
12 years old -- Player pitch. Guess who moves from the mound to the outfield?
(7th Grade Football) Coach doesn't give me shoulder pads, says that I wont "need them."
He does however, give me a plastic tub of Gatorade and tells me to haul it to the team bus.
7th Grade Football Stats -- one fumble recovery, during the all important "fifth quarter" of the game.
14 years old -- Get paired with the kid that catches a baseball with his chest (and cant afford a glove) during high school baseball tryouts. Needless to say, I wasn't on the squad.
Funny thing, during the tryouts they never let me bat.
15 years old -- Finish my year on JV football with this stateline --140 pounds of weight, 8 games, 1 sack and one four-minute celebration.
(Two encroachment penalties as well)
15 years old (B) -- Max out on my possible bench press amount: part of the set for a high school play that I was doing.
Play stats -- Lenny from Of Mice and Men, some dude in Godspell and numerous one-act plays.
17 years old -- Win my only race in track and field ever. Then I realize my coach signed me up for the Special Olympics.
18 years old -- My snowboarding experience scares small children as they see a large snow ball roll by on the slopes.
20 years old -- A brief stint in college basketball intramurals leads to me earning a reputation of a "hard fouler of girls" among the upper divisions of competition.
22 years old -- I now get winded walking up a small hill with slight grade.
... and I think I just had a small heart attack writing this blog.